Stop Doing The Pronoun Dance: How To Remember Your Trans Friends Names/Pronouns

Many allies think that by avoiding pronouns and names, they are going to prevent themselves from "slipping up." This actually hurts your ability to memorize new names and pronouns. Try this instead.

Photo by Katie Rainbow 🏳️‍🌈 on Unsplash

Every single transgender person has experienced this before. They’ll come out to friends, family, and coworkers and let them know their new name and pronouns. Some people are amazingly good at picking up on them quickly. Some people are bigots and intentionally use the wrong name and pronouns. Some people, though, do what is probably the most awkward thing of all: the name and pronoun dance. I’m going to teach you how to avoid doing this, but first, let’s talk about what the pronoun dance is.

The name and pronoun dance is something that happens when an ally gets to your name or pronouns and then suddenly stops. It’s jarring. It’s the conversational equivalent of getting into a fender bender. It’s awkward as hell and every trans person realizes when it happens - you aren’t being smooth by pausing at names and pronouns. Sometimes, people will then use the correct name and pronoun but more often than not, this is followed by silence and an awkward shift in sentence structure. Here is an example:

“Yeah, so we were talking about that fun project we worked on last week, and …(she, unsaid)… anyway yeah it was a good project.”

People will entirely shift their sentences to end the sentence where they were going to mention a trans person. It is jarring and worse than that, it is erasure. I remember very early in my transition years ago, I dealt with this a lot. I confronted some people about it who told me they just didn’t want to slip up. For the longest time I didn’t know what to say - they were trying to be good allies, but they were hurting me in the process. Years later, I recognize that this is actually a form of transphobia and a microaggression perpetuated by lazy allies. But I’m not here to scold you, I’m here to teach you a trick on how to fix it:

Be intentional. Use an abundance of the name and pronoun.

So here is how this works - and if you listen to this, I promise you will be getting the name and pronoun correct a million times out of a million times. Go into a conversation with a goal of using the person’s name and pronouns often. Avoiding the name and pronouns will never fix the way you perceive someone’s gender in your head. Imagine if you wanted to get better at something and instead of practicing it, you avoided it. Clearly, avoidance will not work and if you maintain avoidant behavior, you will misgender your trans friends, family, and coworkers forever.

Instead, realize that you can fix things by leaning into a trans person’s name and pronouns and using them way too often in a sentence. It may seem extremely silly at first but it can be fun. Let me give you an example of how to use this trick using the previous example:

“Yeah, so Erin and I were talking about that fun project Erin and I worked on last week, and she and I had a good time working on it, isn’t that right Erin.”

Using the person’s name three times in the same sentence will absolutely help you remember their name and pronouns moving forward. It is way better than avoidant behavior, and even if it’s obvious you are using the trans person’s name overly much, trans people will tend to be happy that you are trying so hard. Practicing this will help the name and pronouns stick - I have yet to meet a cis person who earnestly tries this who has trouble remembering names and pronouns after two weeks of doing this.

Let me let you in on another secret too: this trick works for trans people as well. Allies are not the only people who have trouble gendering correctly. Sometimes trans people have to learn someone’s new name or pronouns. More than that, sometimes trans people have to get used to their own new name and pronouns. And you know what? There is similar life advice that works for transgender people too!

Early on in my transition when getting used to my own name and pronouns, I was given a tip that it is helpful to narrate your life in your head with your new name and pronouns. I practiced this in my car. When driving, I would say in my head, “don’t miss that turn, Erin, make sure that you aren’t too late, Erin.” or “She is driving and happy today. She really is a great driver.” Within a couple weeks, I no longer was randomly misgendering myself in my head.

If transgender people have to work to remember their own names and pronouns after changing them, imagine how hard it is for cisgender people to do the same for trans people? That is why I advocate for using active methods for learning your trans friends new name and pronouns. We all have to fight decades of transphobia and years of being accustomed to one name and pronoun that never changes for a person - sometimes that even includes ourselves as trans people. Use this method and I bet that things will get so much easier in the future!